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Reflections: 10 Tips on Giving Up Blaming

17/08/2016

“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.” Wayne Dyer

Reflections: 10 Tips on Giving Up Blaming - Take Responsibility

Reflections: 10 Tips on Giving Up Blaming – Take Responsibility

You are the one who ate the junk food.
You are the one who didn’t say no!
You are the one who took the job
You are the one who stayed in the job.
You are the one who chose to believe them.
You are the one who ignored your intuition.
You are the one who abandoned your dream.
You are the one who bought it.
You are the one who didn’t take care of it.
You are the one who decided you had to do it alone.
You are the one who trusted him.
You are the one who said yes to the dogs Jack Canfield

In 2010, Dr Neil Farber wrote a seminal book on the subject of blaming: The Blame Game: The Complete Guide to Blaming: How to Play and How to Quit, and the book became a bestseller because it struck a nerve with so many of us.  I would hazard a guess that if everyone got a copy of the book, they would find a pretty good list of some of their blame game tactics in it. While the jury is out on whether this is an innate or learned trait, what is clear is that we start pretty early in childhood letting others take the blame for our mishaps. As we grow up, our approach becomes more sophisticated and insidious. Gossip, false accusations, finger-pointing and even libel and slander are all examples of the fallout of the blame game which gives us some inkling that it can become a dangerous tactic that hurts everyone. There are times when blame is appropriate but that is not the point of this piece. The point is about all those times we assign unwarranted blame to others.

According to Dr Farber, we do it for a variety of reasons/impulses; innate behavior, coping mechanism, avoiding responsibility, choosing internalized instead of externalized options, an easy way out, fear of success, and/or our negative programming. Plus, we use a number of approaches to blame everyone from our family, to our government, on to total strangers who cross or don’t cross our path. When we wish to deflect blame from ourselves and inflict it on others,  our style could be subtle, unintentional, blatant, casual, secretive or deceitful. Each time we blame others, we fan the fire of this disruptive behavior and it can escalate. STOP!

How can we put the brakes on? As Jack Canfield aptly suggests in the fantastic book; The Success Principles(TM) – 10th Anniversary Edition: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be, we have to own our stuff. Every action YOU take in life begins with Your decision to choose A over B. As the block quotes above and below explain, you chose to do X and now you must work at following through with solution Y.  We go through life making decisions that inform how we view the world and sometimes our decisions work in our favor and at other times they don’t. Instead of blaming others and wallowing in self pity, we can find the lessons and humor in our outcome and learn from them.  Life is full of missteps and foibles that teach us life lessons on the road to adulthood, give us options to choose, and help shape our character. The sooner we learn to take responsibility and get into solution mode, the sooner we are able to move on.

 

As Dr Farber explains it, there are ways we can begin to help ourselves stop all that blaming and finger pointing : 1. Acknowledge that you have control; 2. Take Responsibility  3. Realize failures are steps to success; 4. Judge others favorably; 5.  Empathize with others – externalize. If we take time to consider these tips, we would realize that it all begins with taking ownership for our stuff and also recognizing that mistakes are a human quality and not always intentional. If we would give each other the benefit of the doubt, we would reduce the number of instances of finger pointing.  Just like the story of the boy who cried wolf, the more we blame, accuse and finger point, the less credible our script becomes. Eventually, folks will just tune you/us out. Find your voice, own your stuff and get out there and make a difference. The rest of the tips are below.

READ: The Blame Game: The Complete Guide to Blaming: How to Play and How to Quit by Neil Farber, M.D., Ph.D.
The Success Principles(TM) – 10th Anniversary Edition: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be by Jack Canfield with Janet Switzer

 

MORE BELOW!

“If you go to a tree with an ax and take five whacks at the tree every day, it doesn’t matter if it’s an oak or a redwood; eventually the tree has to fall down.” Jack Canfield

Reflections: 10 Tips on Giving Up Blaming - Take Responsibility

Reflections: 10 Tips on Giving Up Blaming – Take Responsibility

Learn to cook healthier food.
Say no in the face of peer pressure.
Quit and find a better job.
Take the time to conduct due diligence.
Trust your own gut feelings.
Go back to school to pursue your dream.
Take better care of your possessions.
Reach out for help.
Ask others to assist you.
Take a self-development class.
Sell or give away the dogs. Jack Canfield

 

How can we stop the blame game? Why go through all that? Again, Dr. Farber gives us some more insights and tips to help us stop this annoying behavior pattern that we all have. 6. Make excuses for others; 7. Explain instead of complain;  8. Believe in something; 9. Perhaps it’s a coincidence; and finally, I would add 10. Develop some humor.  It’s our nature to try to deflect blame so we can look good to those who care about us. To maintain our appearances, we find it easier to let others take the rap instead of taking the path of honest ownership of our wrong doing. When I read the book, I was struck by the humor that ran through the book and then it struck me real hard. If we could just relax and stop being so desperate about being right and perfect, we would be more inclined to own our shit our mistakes and work are correcting them. NOBODY IS PERFECT! Give yourself a break and take responsibility for your actions and embrace the consequences with a sense of relief and even humor.

READ: 5 Reasons We Play the Blame Game By Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D.
The Blame Game; The complete guide to blaming: How to play and how to quit. by Neil Farber, M.D., Ph.D.

For this Discover challenge on – The Poetry of List-Making –  For this week’s challenge, explore the artistic side of list-making. Write a poem consisting of ten items that remind you of summer. Describe your first love in five bullet points. Map out your bucket list using words that describe how each experience would change you.  To help other participants and new fans find your response in the Reader, tag your post #DiscoverWP. Not sure how to add a tag? Learn more.

Positive Motivation Tip: Own your stuff and develop a sense of humor about life’s foibles.

PHOTO CREDITS/ATTRIBUTIONS: All Photos: Truth and  Finger pointing via Pixabay

Until Next Time…
Ask. Believe. Receive. ©
Elizabeth Obih-Frank
Mirth and Motivation
Positive Kismet

 

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58 Comments leave one →
  1. Masshole Mommy permalink
    17/08/2016 3:02 pm

    I absolutely take responsibility for my own actions, but also have NO issue laying blame where blame is due.

    Like

  2. Jolina permalink
    17/08/2016 4:39 pm

    Nobody ever wins the blame game. Taking ownership is key (we’re all adults after all) and empathizing with others. Putting ourselves in their shoes and see things from their perspective.

    Like

  3. Cindy Ingalls permalink
    17/08/2016 5:39 pm

    It’s so much easier to blame someone else, instead of taking personal responsibility. I think if we tried to own up to our faults or mistakes we might be better able to let them go.

    Like

  4. Liz Mays permalink
    17/08/2016 6:39 pm

    These are some important points. Some things are out of our control but not everything. We can choose to change things or change ourselves.

    Like

  5. MomJonz permalink
    17/08/2016 7:41 pm

    It’s easier to blame than to take responsibility. We shouldn’t blame, but I think we get so caught up and pointing the finger makes us feel better vs dealing with the matter we are faced with.

    Like

  6. Claudia H. Blanton permalink
    17/08/2016 8:55 pm

    very positive and motivational – you are right, we have to take ownership of our lives, every aspect, and stop the blame game. Thanks for the reminder. Blessings!

    Like

  7. Melanie Smith permalink
    17/08/2016 9:27 pm

    Sometimes we don’t know how to deal with this situation. I hate being blaming. It is one of the things I hate the most! Thank you for these tips, I love them!

    Like

  8. Dreammerin permalink
    18/08/2016 12:02 am

    Such an another amazing post! I love inspiring quotes by Wayne Dyer. I’ve never heard about the book by Dr Neil Farber. Thanks for sharing !!

    Like

  9. Rachel Simons (@StressedRach) permalink
    18/08/2016 12:02 am

    This is a very interesting article, Blame has been looked at in real depth. Thank you for sharing. It has made me think more about it.

    Like

  10. Karlaroundtheworld | Karla permalink
    18/08/2016 2:34 am

    Wow, Dr.Farber expressed everything in much more detail. I would always just stick to the saying that “blaming won’t solve anything” and it’s true, the anger or fury just sinks immediately.

    Like

  11. soulsensecoaching permalink
    18/08/2016 3:44 am

    It is amazingly empowering when you stop blaming, which is probably why it is so hard to do. To fully take on responsibility for yourself takes a lot of courage. Great topic!

    Like

  12. Shalama Jackson permalink
    18/08/2016 5:35 am

    I’m not into blaming others for things that go wrong or not my way. Even when I don’t want to, I take some ownership in whatever might have happened.

    Like

  13. Amy Jones permalink
    18/08/2016 7:33 am

    Amazing advices, thats all the truth. We can’t let blame and negative thoughts bring us down

    Like

  14. Kathy permalink
    18/08/2016 7:39 am

    I hate the whole blaming game. Nobody should be blamed for anything. I also really love these quotes you have here!

    Like

  15. Shelly permalink
    18/08/2016 8:57 am

    I have learned this through experience, why we blame? It is because sometimes we cant take the responsibility of the circumstances so thats why we blame. And I hate it.

    Like

  16. Rachel @ Coffee, Cake, Kids permalink
    18/08/2016 9:25 am

    Once you stop blaming others, it is much easier to take control of your life. Great post

    Like

  17. ivelisseprojectfour permalink
    18/08/2016 10:18 am

    I agree there has to be a stop to the blaming game! Great tips!

    Love,

    Like

  18. Parenting Healthy permalink
    18/08/2016 10:59 am

    As a Mom to 3 boys, I play the blame game. I don’t play it out loud-only internally. I try to find ways to do better and give more that bway

    Like

  19. Marta permalink
    18/08/2016 11:54 am

    Blaming ruins relationships… When i am blamed, I immediately fight back. It’s a vicious circle only forgiveness can break. Thanks for a very insightful post.

    Like

  20. Anosa permalink
    18/08/2016 12:16 pm

    I liked the writing by Jack Canfield although its easy to say and not so easy to do these things sometimes. If only life was that simple

    Like

  21. Ana De Jesus permalink
    18/08/2016 12:33 pm

    I always play the blame game or make excuses for others when I know they are in the wrong. Sometimes we have to take responsibility and acknowledge when we are at fault.

    Like

  22. Rosie Romance permalink
    18/08/2016 1:25 pm

    Very true. We are all responsible for our own happiness – blaming others gets us nowhere.

    Like

  23. Neely (@Neelykins) permalink
    18/08/2016 2:15 pm

    My mom always said blame is the transfer of shame. So true!

    Like

  24. Nina permalink
    18/08/2016 4:29 pm

    I find that there is something so liberating from just taking the blame and admitting that you are not perfect. After all, none of us are. I hope this helps others think about that more.

    Nina

    Like

  25. momknowsbest15 permalink
    18/08/2016 5:23 pm

    I tell my kids to take ownership for their actions. If they make a mistake, they need to fix it.

    Like

  26. Amanda Love permalink
    18/08/2016 5:46 pm

    I completely agree, it’s such a waste of time to play the blame game especially when it comes to people you care about. We do use it, to escape or to avoid even more conflict but we only end up hurting others as well. We should learn to own up to our mistakes.

    Like

  27. More Than A Mom Of 3 (@MoreThanAMomOf3) permalink
    18/08/2016 6:21 pm

    I too do this from time to time with the blame game its just better to take responsibility for your own actions.

    Like

  28. Claudette Esterine permalink
    18/08/2016 7:09 pm

    I always so love your opening quotes – they just set the tone of your entire post!

    Like

  29. Eileen Mendoza Loya permalink
    18/08/2016 8:02 pm

    I usually blame myself for every wrong that happens in my life. There are regrets, missed opportunities and “what ifs” that hound me in my daily life. I have to learn to accept and change how I perceive the world around me.

    Like

  30. Nicole Herose Cochingco - Escat permalink
    18/08/2016 9:51 pm

    Eye opener! So glad Eliz that you shared these wonderful words tips!

    Like

  31. Vyjay Rao permalink
    18/08/2016 10:27 pm

    I think the world would be a better place if the blame game stopped and everyone took accountability for their actions,

    Like

  32. Melanie Smith permalink
    18/08/2016 10:44 pm

    The blame game is not good for me. I hate being blame.

    Like

  33. Terri Ramsey Beavers permalink
    18/08/2016 10:54 pm

    It’s so much easier to blame someone else than to take the blame ourselves. I’ve been trying to not blame anyone but myself for things that may go wrong in my life.

    Like

  34. thedealmatchmaker permalink
    18/08/2016 11:31 pm

    I agree…. stop blaming others. It’s wasting our time and energy!

    Like

  35. Rachel Simons (@StressedRach) permalink
    19/08/2016 12:27 am

    Great post, very inspirational. This had made me think quite a lot, I do play the blame game but the tips you have provided are great ways of getting out of that rut.

    Like

  36. franckxethee permalink
    19/08/2016 1:32 am

    It really pays to be responsible with your action. You get to learn the lessons and move forward faster.

    Like

  37. Agnes Dela Cruz permalink
    19/08/2016 1:33 am

    Stop blaming, it will never help in any situation. Thanks for the tips.

    Like

  38. TheGracefulMist permalink
    19/08/2016 2:35 am

    One of the reasons why I also think people blame others is defense mechanism. We often don`t want the blame to fall on us so we point our fingers to others. This can be very dangerous especially if there are false accusations. We must not jump to conclusion without getting all the right facts.

    Like

  39. Nikki Wayne permalink
    19/08/2016 4:08 am

    Wow! I love your tips! Sometimes blaming can really harm a relationship, especially for husband and wife.

    Like

  40. The 24-Hour Mommy (@the24hourmommy) permalink
    19/08/2016 4:24 am

    Such a worthy read. I was thinking of the people in our government always blaming the past officials for their ineptness!

    Like

  41. savingcmncents permalink
    19/08/2016 5:10 am

    Blame is such a counter productive concept. There really is no purpose to it other than to feel like we are justifying our own actions. It’s not something I fall into very often.

    Like

  42. Fred Hawson permalink
    19/08/2016 6:05 am

    How I wish it were easy to tell blamers that their blaming is doing more harm than good to a relationship. Usually, they are the ones who will also argue back at you and blame you back.

    Like

  43. Valerie Gray (@valmg) permalink
    19/08/2016 6:46 am

    I firmly believe people need to take responsibility for their actions. If called for I will absolutely place blame right where it belongs.

    Like

  44. Taty Pradilla permalink
    19/08/2016 8:18 am

    I am bad about doing this. I have been working on it and try to take the blame for myself if I know I am in the wrong.

    Like

  45. Amer Phils permalink
    19/08/2016 8:57 am

    Oh yeah! I dislike the blaming game. I tell my interns to find solution first and then we’ll figure out the root of the problem.

    Like

  46. shubhadabhide permalink
    19/08/2016 9:02 am

    Blame game can be quite toxic and it leads to nowhere. I would not like to indulge in it for too much time.

    Like

  47. DecoPix (@TiinaTibs) permalink
    19/08/2016 11:47 am

    That is so true – blaming others doesn’t get us anywhere. And it’s kind of wasting time, but also something that is so easily done when things are not going as they should or we wanted them to go.

    Like

  48. Tiffany Yong permalink
    19/08/2016 11:58 am

    This is not an easy thing to do because human tendency is to be defensive and blame others. You will need to constantly remind yourself and constantly be aware.

    Like

  49. I Love Paars by: Lee permalink
    19/08/2016 2:54 pm

    Most important of all is take ownership and responsibility. Be brave and mature enough to deal with it and stop blaming

    Like

  50. Rose Sahetapy permalink
    19/08/2016 4:39 pm

    There is always someone to blame on. I guess that’s part of human nature, and it gives us secure and comfort, but at some point we must take the responsibility because at the end we are the one who make decisions.

    Like

  51. Eileen Mendoza Loya permalink
    19/08/2016 6:54 pm

    I agree. We should stop putting the blame on others for things that are going on in our lives. Look at the situation at a different perspective to enable us to understand better.

    Like

  52. katyashadeofteal permalink
    19/08/2016 7:40 pm

    I love Dr Farber tips for stopping the blaming and finger pointing. I know I have done this from time to time and now I always try to step back and acknowledge if was also my decision.

    Like

  53. Tami permalink
    19/08/2016 8:14 pm

    I am so guilty of blaming others … and it’s rubbed off on my kiddos. We need to make a new habit of taking responsibility. Thanks for the nudge!

    Like

  54. Glenda Kruse permalink
    19/08/2016 8:44 pm

    I think many of us play the blame game and don’t realize we’re doing it. We just need to step back more often and realize what we’re doing.

    Like

  55. fashionphases permalink
    19/08/2016 8:59 pm

    I think many of us play the blame game and don’t realize we’re doing it. We just need to step back more often and realize what we’re doing. 🙂

    Like

  56. Kathy Kenny Ngo permalink
    19/08/2016 10:02 pm

    Thanks to your article I’m so relieved that i can do this on my own. Thank you so much

    Like

  57. Wanderlust Vegans permalink
    12/02/2017 1:34 pm

    I think society is to blame for the most part. 😛 (see what I did there?) Everyone is so focused on being the perfect person, that the blame game comes into play. Great tips, and I think a lot of people will learn from your article.

    Like

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