Motivation Mondays: The Gifts & Lessons of Loss

“Ironically, Loss gave me far more than it took – it gave me a compassion so strong that I can never retire … you see, I know something valuable – I know about ‘the gift of Loss'” Richard Wilkins

Motivation Mondays: The Gifts & Lessons of Loss

“It can be painful to be the youngest in the family…I never knew any of my grandparents… One by one, I’ve had to say goodbye to all my immediate family – Mum, Dad, two sisters, and a brother. I was 23 when I said goodbye to my Mum. I was 37 when I said goodbye to my Dad. I was 48 when I said goodbye to my only brother John. I was 64 when I said goodbye to my sister Jean. I was 66 when I said goodbye to my sister Doreen. I’m the only one left now, and this is the only photo I have of all of us – I think it was my christening – so it would have been 1950. I’ve had a lot of Loss in my life – loved ones/mansions/millions/marriages/companies/sanity.” Richard Wilkins

Recently, I stumbled across a post by one of my LinkedIn connections that stopped me in my tracks. It was a poignant and powerful piece about what he, Richard Wilkins, termed “The Gift of Loss.” He shared a post in which he talked about his family members who had passed away, about his many losses in life in general, and how the “gift of loss” had made him more compassionate and acutely aware of what was valuable in life. He invited others to reflect on their loss and share the impact on their lives.
As I read Richard’s words, the stark truth hit like a thunderbolt. Yes, loss is inevitable, as throughout our lifetime we all will experience some loss; from personal items to jobs, relationships, and close family members and friends. It is an experience we will have sooner or later. Some experience tremendous losses over and over again, while others might experience a few, but we all experience the sting of loss throughout our lives.
In 1969, world-renowned Psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, wrote her groundbreaking book, On Death and Dying, in which she introduced the idea of the 5 stages of loss/grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Whenever we experience a tragic event, we grieve in five stages that are not necessarily linear. We experience the initial emotion of denial, and subsequently moments of all the others at varying points in our grieving. While we may never fully accept the event and move forward with life and its many demands, we find pathways to manage the grief and work around it. There is no deadline or timeline for grieving, and each person comes to it with their own set of life skills, emotional baggage, and more.

As I explored the subject further, I came to recognize what Richard was pointing out about the lessons and “gifts” we learn along the way. While grief can be all-consuming and even debilitating, it brings out certain emotions that help us cope in ways we might not have considered. It reminds us to value what truly matters over the trivia we can get caught up in during our daily interactions. Here are a few to consider, and perhaps you can share some of your experiences with grieving and how you were able to cope.
Strength in Faith Community: I know that many people turn to their faith during times of grief, and it provides a solid way to connect with a supportive community while working through the difficulties that loss brings into our lives.
Deeper Empathy: Going through intense pain can open our hearts to understanding and responding to others’ pain in similar situations. When we experience loss, we also recognize the pain in others around us, and that provides a supportive, empathetic bond we can share.
Capacity for Deep Love: Love is one of our greatest and deepest emotions, and grief heightens both our memories of loved ones and our capacity to grieve deeply because we loved profoundly. If we look at our closest relationships, we know that those with whom we shared the deepest love are also the ones we hold closest to our hearts. It is an unshakeable bond.

Little Snowdrop by ~Author Unknown
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Misfortune by Unknown
A Chinese farmer’s neighbors came over to offer him their sympathy after his horse ran away.
“I’m not so sure it’s a misfortune”, said the farmer. The neighbors left, shaking their heads.

The next day, the farmer’s horse returned, and three wild horses came home with him.
The neighbors returned to congratulate the farmer on his good fortune.
“I’m not certain that it is good fortune”, replied the farmer.
The neighbors left, more bemused than before.

Later that week, the farmer’s son broke his leg trying to train one of the new horses,
and the neighbors came by to offer condolences.
“I’m not sure this is a misfortune”, said the farmer again.
The neighbors left, discussing the man’s mental state among themselves.

The next day, the emperor came through, gathering up young men to be in his army.
They bypassed the farmer’s son, since he had a broken leg. via Wisdom2be

More Below!
“Life: it never goes wrong – it just doesn’t always go according to our plan – but there’s a bigger plan and that ‘bigger plan’ is our own Evolvement – to Evolve means: to make better to improve upon.” Richard Wilkins

Motivation Mondays The Gifts & Lessons of Loss

Holding On to Grief: For years, I mourned the passing of my Dad and the last conversation I had with him. I still remember it so vividly like it happened yesterday. I was getting ready to leave for work. I was living on the Upper West Side in Manhattan at the time, and I had to catch a train downtown to BMCC-CUNY to teach an English class. Dad called me from London. It was a crackly long-distance call in the morning, and I was in a hurry to wrap things up and head out. It was brief. We had so much to say and that needed to be said, but… the conversation was brief. He told me he loved me and, mind you, my Dad was quite the conservative man, so those words were special. They should have been celebrated, shared, repeated, and discussed, but… our conversation was brief.

A month later, he was gone. He died from a massive heart attack early in the morning at one of his homes. I was devastated when I received the news, and a heaviness fell on my shoulders. It would take decades to shift that deep, wounded feeling of remorse and regret. For years, I berated myself for not being focused as I needed to be on that last call. I mourned the missed opportunity to have a deep conversation with him, and I grieved the loss of my hero who loved his family and gave us everything. But with time, I found my way through those 5 stages of grief and gradually came to settle on acceptance. It still pains me, but I have made peace with the process. As David Kessler, renowned grief expert, once said, “Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.” We grieve. We find our way back to center and replace the past with memories of the good times. It’s not easy; it takes time, but we will and can get there.
New Priorities: Experiencing loss can help us reset our internal compass and focus on what matters most. When we are grieving, we have very little bandwidth for nonsense, as it takes a lot of emotional and mental energy to grieve. Our priorities shift, and sometimes our relationships do too.
Emotional Resilience: Experiencing deeply upsetting and heartbreaking events can be a master teacher/lesson in surviving life’s many pitfalls, even the seemingly unbearable ones. It builds emotional resilience we never knew we had until that moment, but we can protect it with care and seek professional help if/when it becomes overwhelming.
Heightened Mindfulness: Grieving is demanding in so many ways, and it often forces us to stop, slow down, and take things one day, one hour, and one minute at a time. With it comes a clear need for self-compassion, as we need self-care even more during times of grief.
What are your experiences with loss, and how have you coped? Do share.

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Story of Awareness by Anthony DeMello
The student monk had spent seven years,
Learning how to comprehend awareness.
At the end of his study it was time for assessment,
To visit the master was his final assignment.

The master sat, at the young man he looked,
Was he ready to become a teacher monk?
The young monk, wet from his walk,
Had placed his umbrella in the hall
Master asked, ‘to the left or right of your clogs,
Did you place your umbrella to dry at rest? ‘

The monk was taken by surprise,
Why such simple thing, when so wise?
Try as he might he couldn’t recall;
Had to admit, no idea at all.
‘Go back to your teacher for seven more years,
To learn once more the secret of awareness’.

To late the young monk remembered,
Awareness encompasses everything.
No chance of ever really seeing,
Unless every second has meaning.
SOURCE:via PoemHunter

Positive Motivation Tip: “What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” Helen Keller

PHOTO CREDITS/ATTRIBUTIONS: All Photos: via Pixabay Grief and Loss, Botanicalpaperworks
Additional Sources: On Grief: Help for grief because love never dies.

Until Next Time…
Ask. Believe. Receive. ©
Elizabeth Obih-Frank
Mirth and Motivation
Positive Kismet